After a beautiful inspiring chat with one of my friends a question kept coming into my conscious mind. Spirituality AND Mental Illness are entwined. Every time I thought about writing it down for later I felt a push to ask this question and dig deep for some answers.

Are the episodes my mental illness or are they my inner guide trying to tell me something?

As you may or may not be aware I was diagnosed with Bipolar rapid cycling from two different counties. These were separate diagnosis, twelve years apart. I have been supported by lots of Dr’s, psychiatrists and mental health teams. It is a diagnosis that I can’t get away from, deny or try to forget.

The inner battles started when I was three years old after finding out my Mum wasn’t coming home.

My little heart and brain didn’t understand so my journey began very rocky and super intense. It became apparent every quickly that I was struggling with my emotions when my anxiety manifested into full blown panic attacks. As you can imagine it disrupted my little life. I fell inwards. I was a depressed little girl that just wanted her Mum to come back and tell me everything was going to be OK.

Here’s the kicker. Looking back now I remember LOVING my own company. I remember when ever I had to battle with the darkness and it was winning, I would see or feel my Mum was around. I even saw her a few times wearing a long black dress and wavy brown hair. Then came something that really opened my eyes as a child. I woke up one night to a light being in my room – I wasn’t afraid I put my hand out and it did the same.

Clearly I was being visited before I even knew what spirituality or the universe was all about.

Then the vivid dreams began to happen. I learnt to control them and could literally go wherever I wanted and I would ALWAYS have magic by my side. I would read peoples minds, move things and be able to create whatever I wanted within my dreams. It became a hobby lol. But when I had these dreams my outside world knew about them because I would lash out and sometimes bring whatever I was dreaming about back with me.

Night terrors have been a part of my life for ever. I still see things when I wake up for a split second or have someone shake me awake. Spiders, rats, HUGE insects, a 17th century boy, an old women. This is why I have always believed that the veil for me is super thin.

Why am I sharing this snippet of my life? Because I believe (and this is a bold statement that could have repercussions) that IF we have had significant trauma in our childhood and we suffer with an in balance within our mental health, we are more likely to be connected to a higher power.

Here me out…

What I mean by this, simply put is…we can see, feel, hear, touch, sense that there is SO much more to life than meets the eye. We connect with things that some can’t. We understand that we aren’t alone. Our spiritual alignment and connection is heightened. We believe in the world of magic and different realms. The universe is a bigger and more magical place to us.

Spirituality means –

  • Knowing deep down you have a bigger purpose in life
  • Being able to be alone with your thoughts and feelings
  • Taking time for reflection on life events and their meaning
  • Not being afraid of telling others what you believe in even if it doesn’t confirm to the norm
  • Caring deeply for others and empowering them to empower others
  • Knowing there nothing is as it seems

Putting your middle finger up to anything NORMAL and being happy to dance around, barefoot, flowers in your hair, embracing a soul that is bold and magical. Feeling into the world that no one else can see.

In my mind I always thought being spiritual meant you had to believe in God or be religious. The older I got the more I realised spirituality is what you make it. My Mum was a white witch and I took on her inner gifts but I am still spiritual. I don’t believe that there is one God I believe that there are many. And not just gods but goddesses. And if we really get down to the nitty gritty, all religions are transferable. They have many moving parts that are the same. The overall consensus is that there is something bigger than me and I am here to serve my purpose and share my inner gifts.

So back to my original question! Are the episodes my mental illness or are they my inner guide trying to tell me something?

Do you know the difference between having an episode (I use this word lightly because it is how I relate to my bipolar episodes) and being nudged by spirit?

If you have ever suffered with depression or anxiety that literally cripples you and makes you FEAR everything you will understand where I am coming from with this. What IF these EPISODES were another step to being more AWAKE? Every time I come out of an episode whether that is a manic or a low depressive one, I have a breakthrough.

Now I am NOT saying that having a mental illness isn’t real because I myself know it is real!

Every time I have fallen into the hole that seems to swallow my soul, I come out with a strength that I didn’t have when I went in. I feel like I have had a battle that was meant to wake me up to my inner world.

Throughout my fight, I have learnt to use my episodes to channel the negative and terrifying experiences I have into something OTHER WORLDLY. I feel more than most people. I have a SUPER strong intuition. I know when I need to smash out some rituals or walk barefoot in some flowing water. I know intuitively what my soul needs to heal and feel at home.

SERIOUSLY, I could write about this stuff all day long but for now…I want you to answer these questions.

  • Are the episodes your mental illness or are they your inner guide trying to tell you something?
  • Are you actually getting nudges that something isn’t sitting right within your life?
  • Is there something that you are currently doing that isn’t aligned with your core purpose?

Like is said above. Chemical imbalance within the brain is REAL. I still suffer from EXPLOSIVE EMOTIONS! Through JOURNALING I have found I can channel these episodes and find the bigger meaning behind them.

We are all here having a human experience and we need to learn to add a little magic to our pain. Being at one with everything about you will open many doors. You just have to believe what your soul is telling you to believe.

Learnt o walk with FEAR and embrace your inner MAGIC.

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